Writing My Book

So I have a major challenge ahead of me.

In the past, I've kind of viewed myself as a sort of competition between these two sides of myself that include being a selfish, manipulative jerk, which includes all of my cynicism, my calculating of other people's motivations and efforts, etc. And the other side being the more "reasonable" me, which is willing to do the right thing despite having been hurt or slighted, to do whatever I can to help people, and to try to make the world a better place in some way.

Apparently, there's a third component in there somewhere, which my therapist not-so-subtly described as the "core self". That both of those other Brants are themselves just an extension of my defense mechanisms and insecurities. In effect, they are the accumulation of my defense against being hurt, and my desire for affirmation within the world. But that neither one of them is truly me.

The problem is... I didn't even have an idea that some third me even existed, let alone that it is my core self. Which really gets down into the dirt of the statement "I don't know who I am." Apparently, my assignment is to delve down into myself, find that self, and start feeding it, because it's apparently been getting starved out for the past 30 years.

Ok, sounds like a good idea. But how do you learn more about and start feeding something that you still have trouble imagining in the first place? It feels to me like somebody telling you that you have a third psychic eye, and that all you have to do is tap into it to start moving objects around with your mind. Just do it. Where do you even start with something like this?

At least in theory, I'd say that I'd need to determine all of the things about me that have nothing to do with building up a wall against other people, or wanting to help anybody. I then have to take out all of the things that I enjoy that are simply reminders of things that I have done or used to do with other people, because those tend to muddy the waters a lot. Then, I start to think about games and things, as the fact that I am an avid Dungeons and Dragons player might be something that distinguishes me a bit, but there are a ton of questions even within that. Like the fact that I'm always trying to find a non-standard type of character to play, the whole concept that I like about it that it makes you feel as if you have some sense of control in a world that is bigger than you, where you don't have that same sense of control in the real world. In general, I'd say somewhere in there, all of my issues of all of my other two selves get wrapped up in there, so I don't think that I can use D&D or other role-playing games as examples there...

But with all of the questions that get raised in that, then it even goes so far as to be the same with movies! Do I only shy away from scary movies because of some bleak view of the world that they denote, or the basest parts of human nature that my affirmation-seeking self would like to steer away from? Does an enjoyment of action movies come from that same desire to wrest a sense of control and order in the world in the face of chaos and oppression? Do I land on comedies just for the sense of community gained from giving in to laughter? Is my sense of being drawn to cartoons somehow related to the loss of self I experienced from my early childhood, and some sort of innate desire to find that core self?

At the point where I can no longer trust that any part of my likes, desires, or activities is anything other than a part of those complex and competing internal struggles, then truly, how do you even begin to try to find a self that is somehow other than those struggles?

I feel as if I'm plodding blindly through a marsh without a guide or any resources, trying to find some sort of miraculous clue to a treasure that I don't even know what it is.

Or, going back to my writing example. I've sat down to write the book of my self, but I don't have any notes, there are no guidelines or bases for the topic, and I'm suffering from writer's block.