You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry...

...or maybe you would.

The past couple of days, I've been surprisingly mellow, for some reason. No breakdowns, or long periods of loneliness or isolation or whatever. Just kind of going about my daily business, as if nothing ever happened.

Which shouldn't be a problem, but I was kind of wondering about WHY exactly that is the case. After all, given the fact that Matt pretty much said that there's no way he's sticking around as my friend given my emotional state, and then pushing Kevin away to do the same thing, you'd think I'd be a little bit more... broken down.

One of the odd things, however, is the fact that both of them, in saying that they can't be my friend right now, stated that they would, at some point in the vague future, like to re-engage in a friendship whenever I'm doing a bit better.

The odd thing is, what I've been thinking over the past few days, is that if they don't have the fortitude to be there when I'm at my worst, why do I want to have them be there when I'm at my best?

In that sense, I've come to the Dar quote from "Spring Street."

"I was thinking about the easy courage of my distant friends.
Saying 'you could let this bridge wash out, and never make amends.'"

At the same time, I'm starting to relate a bit back to the book "She's Come Undone." I admit that the most disturbing thing about the book to me was the concept that Delores might never make amends with her father, and the fact that a certain one of her therapists states that it's actually ok for her to decide never to make those amends. I can't say how much that concept bothered me, at the time.

Right now, however, I think that I understand it a bit. Like the fact that part of what all of my insecurities have been over the course of years is the fact that I've needed to be able to find some sort of closure on any of the situations that I've been in with different people. So the long period of not speaking to Ray or Steve bothered me, because that closure hadn't happened, and so long as it hadn't happened, I had a sense of overwhelming anxiety. The same, to some extent, with Matt.

I don't know what just snapped inside of me, but I've actually come to look at Matt's decision to not stick by me as a recognition of the type of person that Matt is. It doesn't matter that he is extremely intelligent, or how charming he is, or how much he tends to enjoy introspective music, the reality is that the way he has built his life is shallow and selfish. And seeing that, I actually don't have any need or desire to compel myself to get better so that I can try to be friends with him again. I can find other intelligent people in my life, and not all of them will be as selfish and shallow as Matt was, and I simply don't ever need to re-engage or reconcile with him.

The same is true of my friendship with Kevin. It's seemed way too often that Kevin's thought processes and moral convictions came after his decisions. Every time I heard him spout a "I'm the type of person who..." it seemed to be more of a justification for what he'd already decided to do, instead of a thought process that occurred in the preludes to making the decision. And honestly, I've been friends with too many females who have literally been "the other woman" to see a gay man go through the same thing, making the same mistakes, and pretending that he is completely unique and separate in what he's going through, when it's the oldest story in the book.

Do I wish them well? Of course. I certainly don't wish anything negative to happen to them, at all. But I wonder if this is where I let this bridge wash out, and never make amends.

There is still a part of me that wonders if this thought process is too soon. And the other theory I have for my own current emotional state is the fact that, to some extent, I'm simply working from a place of anger. After all, Matt abandoned me in my time of need, and Kevin stuck up for him and placed the blame on me. Certainly things that would provoke an anger response, and I have to recognize that all of the times that I've accomplished the best and most amazing things in my life, were times that I was working out of anger. I've used anger as the fuel for most of my best pieces of writing, as the fuel that shaped my early activism, and to stoke my motivation within a multitude of the jobs, classes, and positions that I've been in.

Granted, overwhelming "I can't see but for the red haze in front of my face" anger is overdone, but I can't help but wonder how I might be able to channel my anger positively, stoke it a little bit and keep it fueled, so I might be able to utilize it and maintain some sort of running motivator for years to come. I think anger suits me. It keeps me going, and my blood pumping. And it keeps me from going into that wallowing little mire of indignation and resentment where I become worthless.

So maybe that's the ticket. Give me a few days, let my anger run down, and I'll be back to wallowing in my own misery. But knowing that even just a little bit of anger can pull me out is a nice little trick up my sleeve for when I need to be productive later. In the meantime, here's to a healthy dose of anger!