Wow... it's been a while since I've updated this last again... hmmm, I'll have to post much more often.
This one is more intellectual than most of my posts, as it's more of a stream of consciousness piece, or at least some prose, possibly even the basic work of an essay that I'd likely never finish, but I was thrilled to feel it come upon me...
I was sitting around at a friend's, and this kind of came upon me, which was really nice because it's not very often that I feel particularly inspired to write, and even less frequently that I have the tools at my disposal to put my thoughts down. So this was very refreshing, and my thanks to Jaime for allowing the stars to align in this particular way.
When it comes to thought and emotion, it's pretty much established that we are all on a journey. What I've found, though, is that in some ways we can readily revisit a place along the journey that we've been before. Not literally or physically, as we can't see people we've lost or from whom we've been estranged, etc, but in the way of recalling how we felt at a very particular moment, and even going so far as to relive that moment in the feeling or feelings that were evoked from it. While the thought is initially fascinating, this seems to also be inherently dangerous when one considers many of the places that a lot of us have been in our lifetimes. For as those of us who, like myself, have crawled our way up from the fetid pits and craters within our own souls, can become greatly happy and together, we still have the possibility and the tendency to revisit those dark and lowly places.
This also becomes true based upon numerous trigger factors that remind us of those times and moments. Tokens and remembrances can have powerful impacts upon our psyches. Some of the things that visit us inside our heads are sometimes, therefore, potentially dangerous pieces, for they can act as fetters for our psychological well-being. It then, therefore, becomes somewhat necessary for us to have triggers that also take us OUT of our heads. Escapism, therefore, is not just a method of, as the name implies, escape, but instead an expedient method for us to press an internal "reset" button in our own psyches: a means to take us back out of those fetid pits and craters and bring us back to the peaks and valleys in which our current states are more developmentally suited.
(this next part actually came a little bit later, after further thought and consideration, but is still inherently related)
If the ability to revisit places in our emotional progression over time is based upon the conceptual ingraining of patterns of thought and feeling into the psychic foundations of our thought, then this is evidence of a need for the unfamiliar. This unfamiliarity is precisely what provides the escape, or reset, that we need. This is also because of the fact that, being unfamiliar, there is no past pre-set or default condition or pattern for our psyches to revert to in their experience. Being new and unfamiliar, we can only experience them in our current state, whereas familiarity bears the possibility of allowing our mental state to take the easy way out and take a path or revert to a state that it has already followed before.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
A Final Farewell
It's been a long time since I've last blogged. Unfortunately, a lot of what I've been wanting to post, I haven't for fear that it would be violating one person or another's privacy, or that somebody might or might not get their feelings hurt.
At this point, it's either say it and possibly hurt people and hope they understand, or don't post anything. And I suppose it's just about posting it.
The reason why I want to share this, is because it marks a very big landmark for me. I admit that I probably should have gotten to this place about 2 years ago, but I was holding on for far too long. And this was the last e-mail that I sent to Ray, kind of marking my final sense of closure regarding our relationship.
This was also a landmark because, despite the fact that it was a direct 1-on-1, it was also the marking of me gaining closure on several other items. And also the thing that triggered me to finally say something to Julie about my sense of wanting something different with regard to our living situation... not entirely certain yet what it is, but at least we've begun dialogue about what is or is not working, how we may be able to solve it, and at the very least getting over the sense of dread that perhaps, if I *did* express some degree of dissatisfaction, that there might have been a very different, negative reaction in response to it.
It's very good to know that I was able to express needing something else, and have somebody say "I am upset that this is not working for you, but I don't want to prevent your happiness," to give a solid foundation to the fact that I can step forward and start spending some time and energy on myself, and find a way of making myself happy, without having to break down every relationship I've ever built to do it. Or without potentially harming my relationship with my children.
Below is the copied version of my last e-mail to Ray. After sending it, I sent him a text saying that I had sent this, and that I was then deleting his number out of my phone. That he was free to contact me if ever he wanted to, but otherwise I am not going to contact him again...
At this point, it's either say it and possibly hurt people and hope they understand, or don't post anything. And I suppose it's just about posting it.
The reason why I want to share this, is because it marks a very big landmark for me. I admit that I probably should have gotten to this place about 2 years ago, but I was holding on for far too long. And this was the last e-mail that I sent to Ray, kind of marking my final sense of closure regarding our relationship.
This was also a landmark because, despite the fact that it was a direct 1-on-1, it was also the marking of me gaining closure on several other items. And also the thing that triggered me to finally say something to Julie about my sense of wanting something different with regard to our living situation... not entirely certain yet what it is, but at least we've begun dialogue about what is or is not working, how we may be able to solve it, and at the very least getting over the sense of dread that perhaps, if I *did* express some degree of dissatisfaction, that there might have been a very different, negative reaction in response to it.
It's very good to know that I was able to express needing something else, and have somebody say "I am upset that this is not working for you, but I don't want to prevent your happiness," to give a solid foundation to the fact that I can step forward and start spending some time and energy on myself, and find a way of making myself happy, without having to break down every relationship I've ever built to do it. Or without potentially harming my relationship with my children.
Below is the copied version of my last e-mail to Ray. After sending it, I sent him a text saying that I had sent this, and that I was then deleting his number out of my phone. That he was free to contact me if ever he wanted to, but otherwise I am not going to contact him again...
"Sometimes life moves faster than our ability to process how we feel about it."
I think that sums up the majority of my adulthood, actually. I think that even the phrase "hindsight is 20/20" is partially just a symptom of the fact that we're constantly only just trying to make sense of what has already happened, and perhaps not yet catching up to what is happening right at the moment.
So I don't really know where I am right now, but I'm in a major turning point in my life. I'd been over you to some degree until the last major hurdle I'd gotten over, and suddenly I found that I had several regrets... and that my feelings for you had resurged a bit because of my recognition of those regrets. When I realized how much I was ok even whenever I felt lonely, towards the end of my relationship with Vic, I thought about the fact that I shouldn't want to be with somebody that I haven't fallen in love with for the sake of being with somebody. But more than that, I realized that I'm ok, regardless of anything.
I think I've come to start accepting myself better than I ever have before. And in so doing, I started to recognize the ways that I never did accept myself. We've said it before, but when I was with you, I was constantly trying to make myself as small as possible, to make myself fit into your life as it was. But more than that, I recognized that there were 2 things that I honestly have regretted since then. The first was the conversation that we had, where we both expressed concern that our relationship with each other would somehow damage your relationship with Steve. The second, which is related in my mind, was that whenever it became clear that Steve was never going to make room for me, I didn't fight for you, but instead I simply ran away. I left, because my assumption in both of those cases, was that you were always clearly better off with Steve than you were with me. And I made that choice for you, instead of recognizing that it was then, and
always has been, your choice, not mine, and not Steve's.
What I've been having a lack of closure on lately, and why I had that resurgence of feeling for you, which prompted a lot of the drunk texts, was to confront those regrets, and to put the choice back firmly in your hands. The choice is still, and will always be, yours to make.
The thing that I needed was to give that back to you. To let you know that the power that I took from you by leaving, is back in your hands. From your last text to me, it seems clear to me what your choice is. And I'm ok with that. In fact, I think that's good for me in a lot of ways. I've come to an interesting place in my own journey here... this is the first time that I really feel like I am getting absolute closure with regard to you. Not that I think that I'll somehow either never see you again or somehow renew some new and different sort of relationship with you, but because I feel like there's nothing more that I need to go through. This is it. The ability is yours to choose what type of relationship, if any at all, you want to have. Because I don't need to run anything more by you, or to wonder whether your last conversation was a subtle way of you trying to tell me something, or whether you are as resolved to the way things went as I have
been.
For the last several months, I've been trepidaciously considering having a confrontation with my mother about our relationship, with the possible conclusion of cutting her out. At the same time, at my last therapy appointment, I finally admitted my feelings of feeling trapped in my living situation and several of my thoughts regarding moving out and being more independant.
When Andy and Ben backed out of camping, I was initially really upset. In my opinion, they were my "stable" friends, the ones that I feel like I can rely on. They have been playing the role of my anchor. Just like you had for a while, within a different context. Things have also come to *a* conclusion (though not even necessarily *the* conclusion) with regard to Barry. And even now, after reconciling with Matt, I've also pretty much let go of him as being relatively superfluous to my life.
For the first time, I'm looking to the possibility of having a life that has absolutely no anchor at all. Of being fully and entirely on my own. And knowing that it's not because of the fact that I'm incapable of having somebody care about me, or because of other people's abandonment or anything of that sort, but almost like an opportunity. An opportunity to achieve something of my own, and to be completely dependant completely upon myself. That is very frightening in a lot of ways. At the same time, it also feels extremely freeing, because for the first time ever, I also know that I am not wondering whether or not I *CAN* do it or not. Because I know that I can.
In that sense, I don't even need to hold onto you any more. I don't have to think of you as a possible safety net or "what if" factor, that maybe... if things went south at home, then maybe somehow some fairy tale ending could still happen with you... But I don't need that, either. I don't need you to catch me if I fall. I don't even have to worry about falling or not. The universe doesn't have to provide to know that I'll figure something out, no matter what happens. My legs are strong, and I've grown so much, year after year, ever since I moved, that I've surpassed the need for requiring other people's validation, or support, or love. Sure, love is nice, and I certainly won't turn it down, ever. But neither am I going to be so afraid of doing without it.
I want you to know that I'm ok. With or without you, I'm really ok. And sure, I'll always treasure many of the memories I have of you. You have often said that you have always felt like it was your job to make everybody happy, and that you always seem to fail at it. Well, you hadn't. Some of the moments that we shared were amongst the happiest I had experienced. But I need to make myself happy now. And I hope that one day you'll start working on making yourself happy. Because I'm also letting go of that fairy tale hope that maybe one day I can be the one to make you happy. That, too, I am giving back to you. Your happiness is your own.
About a month ago, you looked into my eyes, and then you said that you still wanted to see if it was still there. It is, of course. But again, I'm letting go of the fairy tale dream that somehow things might change, and "it" being there will make all of the difference in the world. We live different lives. And I don't envy you yours. Nor do I lament mine. Despite the job I'm unhappy with, despite the debt, or my family problems, or my sense of being on my own, I still feel like I have a pretty good life. And it's not because of anything other than me. Because I'm the one who can still have pretty much any experience I want to. Even with my kids being what I would have considered my last anchor, the reality is that I can have a relationship with them no matter what I do. And maybe I'll have opportunities in another place entirely. There is nothing stopping me from touching down in another city or state, living the type of life that I want to
lead, and doing what comes naturally to me. Spending time with whoever feels welcoming to me. And perhaps even loving anyone that feels exciting to me. And I can do all of that, or none of it, all based upon my own choices.
I'm in a great place. But also a very scary one. And this time, I don't need to lean back on a sense that maybe, just maybe, things will work out. And not only with you, but for years I'd felt as if I was waiting for Ben, too. In many ways, it was my psychological safety net. But I don't need it. I'm ok, with or without Ben, and with or without you. I wish you the world. Because you've meant that much to me at times. This time, though, I need to give that world to myself. Because I've recently discovered somebody there that I've been taking far too much for granted, and discovering that he's a pretty amazing person himself. And in this chapter of my own story, I am looking forward to seeing what happens next...
Forever in my heart,
Brant
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
A Call for Direct Action
A few weeks ago, at lobby day, we had gone through all of the District 32 delegates, and I was surprised by 2 things...
First was the fact that every single delegate seemed to have made tremendous headway from the previous year in terms of where they stood on personally supporting us on our issues. Even Sophocleus, who every year previously would miraculously come up with a reason why he wasn't able to meet with us, seemed relatively supportive. It showed that we were making some sort of progress somewhere, and it made me far more hopeful for change in the future.
The second thing was the fact that every delegate also cited a lot of pressure coming from our opposition. And specifically, that all of the groups cited were religious institutions.
Having grown up Catholic, I've seen the tremendous gap between the positions that the Church as an institution and the run of the mill Catholic have been. This was made even more prominent in my religious studies education, having gone to a school where the premiere liberation theology professor was somebody who has specifically likened the structure of how oppression develops and functions in the world as something that exists between the lay and the clergy within the Church.
Finally, as somebody who came out in relative isolation, having utilized my activism as a means of feeling one with the community in a situation where I didn't have many friends or lovers to talk to or relate to, only history books and political sources, I admit that I developed a sense of (perhaps misplaced) nostalgia for the days of Act Up and Queer Nation.
It's with this background that I can't help but think that if the Catholic Conference and several specific parishes of varying denominations are the source of power for people to maintain their bastion of oppression against us, I believe that it may be time to begin the sort of take-it-to-the-streets direct action that has characterized much of the most trying times for our community that have existed.
Let's be real about a few things, here. First, the economic situation has struck our organizations hard. Budget cuts and layoffs are the reality of the day, and all of our organizations are struggling to keep their doors open at all, let alone striving to act out in ways that are going to be unpopular. In fact, in order to keep their doors open, most organizations can't help but do what there's money for, and nothing more.
In order to maintain an air of legitimacy, our organizations can't afford to be seen hitting the streets, marching and leafleting to oppose the efforts of our opponents to undermine our rights, continually dehumanize us, and make us less than what we are. We need to be able to hit the streets ourselves, independently of any organizations that we support.
Many in the community may see us getting in the faces of our opponents as inappropriate, misguided, or a failure of belief in "the process." There is room for pages and hours of dialogue arguing that point back and forth. All I can say for myself is that I'm more than used to being a scapegoat, and that my own positions have been labeled as irrelevant to the movement as it stands already. So I have nothing to lose in this. And everything to gain, because for the first time, I'll be able to act from my own training and development as an activist, utilizing the skills and action-planning abilities that I developed during my college years and after as a part of the Catholic Worker movement. I'll be acting from my own set of beliefs on where our movement needs to go, not by what a major donor or funding organization believes is the next pragmatic step.
I've determined that action is necessary, and I fully intend to move forward with some plans to implement it. My call is to everyone else who believes that our organizations are not able to take on the type of action that is necessary to be done right now. To everyone who has felt powerless in a political process that seems far too large for them to influence alone. To everyone who is angry at the fact that voters across the nation are making decisions about OUR lives and relationships. My call is to ask you to consider what you are willing to do in order to attain your goals, to seek justice, and to create the better world that is only possible when ordinary citizens stand up and say "no more."
I am in the process of formulating the first action. It will involve development of a flyer with information on the actions of several parishes and religious organizations, and I intend to rotate between those largest antagonistic entities, stand outside and pass out flyers, asking those individuals entering or exiting whether they know what their Church is doing. I intend to make these churches accountable to their membership. Amongst Catholics, there is significant talk about the Body of Christ. And the Body is not composed of clergy alone, but of every single lay person throughout the Church. And it's time that the Body woke up and started to realize what the Head is doing... not just amongst those Catholic institutions in Maryland that need to be our first targets, but for every parish. To make people who have been giving money to their churches every week for the last 20 years finally say "I had no idea that they were doing that." And make them stop supporting an institution that is tarnished by oppression and greed. Until their churches start re-prioritizing their missions and re-developing their budgets to support real human needs and interests, rather than continuing to scapegoat and attack people and communities that it deems to be less valuable.
If anyone is interested in taking part, let me know. If you have information about a specific religious institution or body in the local area that we can include in an informational flyer, please pass the information on. And, most of all, if you are willing to stand outside one day, disseminate information, and are willing to look your fellow human beings in the eye and ask "Do you know what your Church is doing?" then please, please join with me on this important struggle.
We are in another important political day. And we can't hide behind our organizations any longer. We need to act on our own. So thank you in advance for those who are willing to stand and act... I am greatly looking forward to struggling alongside you.
First was the fact that every single delegate seemed to have made tremendous headway from the previous year in terms of where they stood on personally supporting us on our issues. Even Sophocleus, who every year previously would miraculously come up with a reason why he wasn't able to meet with us, seemed relatively supportive. It showed that we were making some sort of progress somewhere, and it made me far more hopeful for change in the future.
The second thing was the fact that every delegate also cited a lot of pressure coming from our opposition. And specifically, that all of the groups cited were religious institutions.
Having grown up Catholic, I've seen the tremendous gap between the positions that the Church as an institution and the run of the mill Catholic have been. This was made even more prominent in my religious studies education, having gone to a school where the premiere liberation theology professor was somebody who has specifically likened the structure of how oppression develops and functions in the world as something that exists between the lay and the clergy within the Church.
Finally, as somebody who came out in relative isolation, having utilized my activism as a means of feeling one with the community in a situation where I didn't have many friends or lovers to talk to or relate to, only history books and political sources, I admit that I developed a sense of (perhaps misplaced) nostalgia for the days of Act Up and Queer Nation.
It's with this background that I can't help but think that if the Catholic Conference and several specific parishes of varying denominations are the source of power for people to maintain their bastion of oppression against us, I believe that it may be time to begin the sort of take-it-to-the-streets direct action that has characterized much of the most trying times for our community that have existed.
Let's be real about a few things, here. First, the economic situation has struck our organizations hard. Budget cuts and layoffs are the reality of the day, and all of our organizations are struggling to keep their doors open at all, let alone striving to act out in ways that are going to be unpopular. In fact, in order to keep their doors open, most organizations can't help but do what there's money for, and nothing more.
In order to maintain an air of legitimacy, our organizations can't afford to be seen hitting the streets, marching and leafleting to oppose the efforts of our opponents to undermine our rights, continually dehumanize us, and make us less than what we are. We need to be able to hit the streets ourselves, independently of any organizations that we support.
Many in the community may see us getting in the faces of our opponents as inappropriate, misguided, or a failure of belief in "the process." There is room for pages and hours of dialogue arguing that point back and forth. All I can say for myself is that I'm more than used to being a scapegoat, and that my own positions have been labeled as irrelevant to the movement as it stands already. So I have nothing to lose in this. And everything to gain, because for the first time, I'll be able to act from my own training and development as an activist, utilizing the skills and action-planning abilities that I developed during my college years and after as a part of the Catholic Worker movement. I'll be acting from my own set of beliefs on where our movement needs to go, not by what a major donor or funding organization believes is the next pragmatic step.
I've determined that action is necessary, and I fully intend to move forward with some plans to implement it. My call is to everyone else who believes that our organizations are not able to take on the type of action that is necessary to be done right now. To everyone who has felt powerless in a political process that seems far too large for them to influence alone. To everyone who is angry at the fact that voters across the nation are making decisions about OUR lives and relationships. My call is to ask you to consider what you are willing to do in order to attain your goals, to seek justice, and to create the better world that is only possible when ordinary citizens stand up and say "no more."
I am in the process of formulating the first action. It will involve development of a flyer with information on the actions of several parishes and religious organizations, and I intend to rotate between those largest antagonistic entities, stand outside and pass out flyers, asking those individuals entering or exiting whether they know what their Church is doing. I intend to make these churches accountable to their membership. Amongst Catholics, there is significant talk about the Body of Christ. And the Body is not composed of clergy alone, but of every single lay person throughout the Church. And it's time that the Body woke up and started to realize what the Head is doing... not just amongst those Catholic institutions in Maryland that need to be our first targets, but for every parish. To make people who have been giving money to their churches every week for the last 20 years finally say "I had no idea that they were doing that." And make them stop supporting an institution that is tarnished by oppression and greed. Until their churches start re-prioritizing their missions and re-developing their budgets to support real human needs and interests, rather than continuing to scapegoat and attack people and communities that it deems to be less valuable.
If anyone is interested in taking part, let me know. If you have information about a specific religious institution or body in the local area that we can include in an informational flyer, please pass the information on. And, most of all, if you are willing to stand outside one day, disseminate information, and are willing to look your fellow human beings in the eye and ask "Do you know what your Church is doing?" then please, please join with me on this important struggle.
We are in another important political day. And we can't hide behind our organizations any longer. We need to act on our own. So thank you in advance for those who are willing to stand and act... I am greatly looking forward to struggling alongside you.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Intention and Justification
I was watching The Dark Knight again the other night, and I have to say that I really think that it's quite a brilliant film. I always look at the world as a place where there is tremendous moral struggle. Where there is always hope for a better world, struggling against what is easy and comfortable.
When I first saw the film, I admit identifying with the concept of Batman making himself into a scapegoat, while simultaneously being solely responsible for the welfare of the people who scapegoated him. I have to admit, though, that I have outgrown that self-deprecating vision of myself, and what I've been working on for so much of this time frame has been allowing myself to recognize my own value without having to destroy myself and raise everyone else up at the same time.
What strikes me about the moral struggles of the film, however, is the moral downward spiral that the Joker represents. Every crime that the Joker commits, is one in which he brings out the worst in humanity. The entire movie is centered around the concept of corruption and hitting on all of the key vulnerabilities of human frailty to compel them to make difficult choices.
This is exactly what the Joker stated to Batman as the "battle for Gotham's soul." Interestingly, I see this as the constant moral struggle within the world. And it inevitably highlights the primary difference for me on what makes the character of a person.
The difference, as I see it, deals with the contrast between identification and justification. As an understanding human being, I can see a lot of people do some pretty despicable things, and I can see why they do it, can understand their motivation, and recognize the justification behind it. For the vast majority of the world, the difference between creating good or doing evil all truly boils down to a point of position and context. Few people in the world actively make their own moral choices in a way that is thoughtful and intentional to the concept of what type of person they wish to be on any given day.
I believe that one of the underlying realities behind this is the concept of the godhead religious figure who dangles the realities of heaven and hell before us. The reward-punishment moral framework that simplifies everything down to a "yes-or-no" question does not allow for the complexity of real-world functions to permeate into people's actual decision-making processes. In the end, if you can justify your actions through the moral framework, then that should be enough. It doesn't matter whether you did the *best* thing, just so long as what you did was acceptable. This is the justification framework. Everything you do, has to be justified. But, so long as you have justification for what you do, then there is no compulsion or reason to ever be better.
By contrast, I always look at myself in the world as self-defining. I am very much in tune with the Existential concepts of responsibility and self-creation. I am who I make myself to be, and I make myself through the actions and choices that I make every day. So every day that I choose to help or support another person, I am making myself into the type of person who would help or support others. Every time that I reach out to somebody who is in pain, I am making myself into the type of person who reaches out to others.
Within this framework, justification can always still come up, but you still always only define your own moral limits by what you are able to justify to yourself. But there is always room for improvement, and always room for growth. Because I can do what is justifiable, but at that moment, I am only choosing to be the type of person who performs actions that are justifiable. If I instead act in a way that is intentional, where I weigh the benefits of what I do in the world against the type of person that I will be if I take different sorts of actions, then I will always continue to grow and expand my own moral self into something better, every day.
This is the point where I have found my one greatest gift in the world, and where I have found the keystone to finding my own value. I don't need to sacrifice myself for the benefit of the world in order to maintain my "best course of action" any more. In fact, as an individual, I now have to consider that looking out for myself and things that will help me, is helping yet one more person along their journey as well. I have known people who have been hurtful towards me, and yet I have determined that I can be the type of person who can forgive them, step forward, and still help to cultivate their humanity.
At the same time, I don't need to do it in a way that allows them to further humiliate, demean, or harm my own humanity, because I can stand firm in the fact that I have a tremendous amount of value. And I don't deserve mistreatment in the midst of my own desire to raise the world up. Because the world isn't in a zero-sum gain. I don't have to lose in order for others to win. And now, I can see that my own willingness and desire to help improve the world, is also my greatest asset to helping myself to win, as well. I have human needs, and today, I choose to be the type of person who can meet my own needs, so that I can continue to grow and become a better person than I was yesterday. And THAT is the key to my own intentionality.
When I first saw the film, I admit identifying with the concept of Batman making himself into a scapegoat, while simultaneously being solely responsible for the welfare of the people who scapegoated him. I have to admit, though, that I have outgrown that self-deprecating vision of myself, and what I've been working on for so much of this time frame has been allowing myself to recognize my own value without having to destroy myself and raise everyone else up at the same time.
What strikes me about the moral struggles of the film, however, is the moral downward spiral that the Joker represents. Every crime that the Joker commits, is one in which he brings out the worst in humanity. The entire movie is centered around the concept of corruption and hitting on all of the key vulnerabilities of human frailty to compel them to make difficult choices.
This is exactly what the Joker stated to Batman as the "battle for Gotham's soul." Interestingly, I see this as the constant moral struggle within the world. And it inevitably highlights the primary difference for me on what makes the character of a person.
The difference, as I see it, deals with the contrast between identification and justification. As an understanding human being, I can see a lot of people do some pretty despicable things, and I can see why they do it, can understand their motivation, and recognize the justification behind it. For the vast majority of the world, the difference between creating good or doing evil all truly boils down to a point of position and context. Few people in the world actively make their own moral choices in a way that is thoughtful and intentional to the concept of what type of person they wish to be on any given day.
I believe that one of the underlying realities behind this is the concept of the godhead religious figure who dangles the realities of heaven and hell before us. The reward-punishment moral framework that simplifies everything down to a "yes-or-no" question does not allow for the complexity of real-world functions to permeate into people's actual decision-making processes. In the end, if you can justify your actions through the moral framework, then that should be enough. It doesn't matter whether you did the *best* thing, just so long as what you did was acceptable. This is the justification framework. Everything you do, has to be justified. But, so long as you have justification for what you do, then there is no compulsion or reason to ever be better.
By contrast, I always look at myself in the world as self-defining. I am very much in tune with the Existential concepts of responsibility and self-creation. I am who I make myself to be, and I make myself through the actions and choices that I make every day. So every day that I choose to help or support another person, I am making myself into the type of person who would help or support others. Every time that I reach out to somebody who is in pain, I am making myself into the type of person who reaches out to others.
Within this framework, justification can always still come up, but you still always only define your own moral limits by what you are able to justify to yourself. But there is always room for improvement, and always room for growth. Because I can do what is justifiable, but at that moment, I am only choosing to be the type of person who performs actions that are justifiable. If I instead act in a way that is intentional, where I weigh the benefits of what I do in the world against the type of person that I will be if I take different sorts of actions, then I will always continue to grow and expand my own moral self into something better, every day.
This is the point where I have found my one greatest gift in the world, and where I have found the keystone to finding my own value. I don't need to sacrifice myself for the benefit of the world in order to maintain my "best course of action" any more. In fact, as an individual, I now have to consider that looking out for myself and things that will help me, is helping yet one more person along their journey as well. I have known people who have been hurtful towards me, and yet I have determined that I can be the type of person who can forgive them, step forward, and still help to cultivate their humanity.
At the same time, I don't need to do it in a way that allows them to further humiliate, demean, or harm my own humanity, because I can stand firm in the fact that I have a tremendous amount of value. And I don't deserve mistreatment in the midst of my own desire to raise the world up. Because the world isn't in a zero-sum gain. I don't have to lose in order for others to win. And now, I can see that my own willingness and desire to help improve the world, is also my greatest asset to helping myself to win, as well. I have human needs, and today, I choose to be the type of person who can meet my own needs, so that I can continue to grow and become a better person than I was yesterday. And THAT is the key to my own intentionality.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Breaking the Lock
For a very long time, I had a great deal of challenge seeing de facto value for myself. For a while, it seemed ironic, because of the fact that I would always use my identification as an activist to support and reinforce the value that other people have simply for the fact of their being human.
I even remember one of our NMAC staff retreats, I don't remember what the topic was, but I recall several of my coworkers stating that I was very hard on myself, including both of my supervisors. Not to get too much into the paranoia I frequently get in whenever I think that my work is somehow not on par with what somebody else's expectations, but I was a bit taken aback by it. I also remember the people there saying something about how I viewed other people, and why I seemed so willing to be ok with other people's mistakes, and not my own. I also remember vividly the look of shock on everyone's faces whenever I stated that it somehow seemed ok for other people, but that I felt like I had to have a different standard for myself.
It's taken me years to be able to overcome this sense within myself of having to somehow prove my own value to myself, or somehow, to the universe, in some way. To a limited degree, I wonder if it has anything to do with my image of God. For myself, I identify as an atheist not so much because I feel as if God *cannot* exist, but rather that I view God as retributive, selfish, and ultimately mean-spirited, and therefore, I choose to believe in a universe that is not predestined to misery by some sort of force that is more powerful than all of us together. Years ago, toward the end of my high school days, is when I came to this conclusion...
Interestingly, prior to coming to that conclusion, I had been *extremely* religious, and as such had fallen into a lot of the conservative culture. To the extent that it had been a point of pride for myself how many times I'd read the Bible cover to cover, how well I understood or could argue certain of the lessons within it, etc. And for years afterward, it was always (and likely still is, but I choose most of the time not to banter with fundamentalists and other conservatives later in life) a constant nail in the coffin of anybody who tried to argue either politics or religion with me, because it's difficult to make an argument based upon religion against somebody who is infinitely more qualified to interpret religious texts and doctrine than you. Which, to some degree, was also part of the reason why I'd focused on Religious Studies as one of my majors in college. (I'll let you take my stand on personal standards into place whenever I then point out again that I had a double major in Philosophy and Religious Studies, and also a double minor in Legal Studies and Women's Studies... especially with having been called the king of incompletes because, as one of my Women's Studies professors stated to me about turning in one particular assignment "We know whatever you turn in is going to be great, and it doesn't have to be perfect. Just turn something in to us. Don't worry about having to do additional research or getting more data. Just turn in what you have." Sadly, I still couldn't do it, and even when I *did* turn in what I had, I was terribly disappointed in it.)
Those tangents aside, the main point being that I had determined that it was my goal to do the right thing in the world, even if it meant going against the will of God. And as such, it also meant that I would try to live my life doing the right thing at all times, with the consideration that "if God is in any way benevolent, then He will determine that I've lived my life doing my best to make the world a better place, or else God is a tyrant, and I will gladly go to Hell in protest to an unjust deity."
It almost seems arrogant whenever I tell it to others. But it was also a bad setup that I placed myself in. Because it was so global, so cosmic of a goal, that it requires every moment of every day to be made as if it's some sort of move on a grand chess board, with me on one side of the action and God on the other. It also set me up to have a very low opinion of myself every time I made a false move, failed in some way, or did something that was hurtful to others.
In this sense, I suppose it's only a matter of distance from that previous belief that has gotten me to a point that has come to start finally accepting myself and my value for what and who it is that I am, not as some sort of grand schemer who can best some fictional divine being at a cosmic game of morality. My own sense of worth comes from myself, not from what degree I'm able to come out ahead in the game and be *just that much* better. I can't pinpoint any moment where this has made less of a difference or impact upon me, but it's something recent, at the very least. And so it's only distance that I can explain it out as. I have to relate it to Ani Difranco here:
"I was locked, into being my mother's daughter. I was just eating bread and water, thinking 'nothing ever changes.' I was shocked, to see the mistakes of each generation will fade like a radio station if you drive out of range."
In the end, I'm finally starting to like myself a heck of a lot better. And I don't need to have anybody give me that value, or find it in providing something to others. Or even in finding the right thing to do, particularly at my own expense. I still do take a great deal of pride in being able to look at a situation and doing the right thing, but there is a different feeling to it now. First of all, I don't have to do it at the expense of my own self, and it doesn't have some lower value for doing the right thing just because I haven't sacrificed anything for it. Now, though, I know I have a choice in anything I do, and that I can consider my own well-being just as much as I am considering everyone else's, at the same time. It's a relief to know, and a great thing to hold onto, and I am glad for the opportunity now to love myself in a way that I never have been able to before...
I even remember one of our NMAC staff retreats, I don't remember what the topic was, but I recall several of my coworkers stating that I was very hard on myself, including both of my supervisors. Not to get too much into the paranoia I frequently get in whenever I think that my work is somehow not on par with what somebody else's expectations, but I was a bit taken aback by it. I also remember the people there saying something about how I viewed other people, and why I seemed so willing to be ok with other people's mistakes, and not my own. I also remember vividly the look of shock on everyone's faces whenever I stated that it somehow seemed ok for other people, but that I felt like I had to have a different standard for myself.
It's taken me years to be able to overcome this sense within myself of having to somehow prove my own value to myself, or somehow, to the universe, in some way. To a limited degree, I wonder if it has anything to do with my image of God. For myself, I identify as an atheist not so much because I feel as if God *cannot* exist, but rather that I view God as retributive, selfish, and ultimately mean-spirited, and therefore, I choose to believe in a universe that is not predestined to misery by some sort of force that is more powerful than all of us together. Years ago, toward the end of my high school days, is when I came to this conclusion...
Interestingly, prior to coming to that conclusion, I had been *extremely* religious, and as such had fallen into a lot of the conservative culture. To the extent that it had been a point of pride for myself how many times I'd read the Bible cover to cover, how well I understood or could argue certain of the lessons within it, etc. And for years afterward, it was always (and likely still is, but I choose most of the time not to banter with fundamentalists and other conservatives later in life) a constant nail in the coffin of anybody who tried to argue either politics or religion with me, because it's difficult to make an argument based upon religion against somebody who is infinitely more qualified to interpret religious texts and doctrine than you. Which, to some degree, was also part of the reason why I'd focused on Religious Studies as one of my majors in college. (I'll let you take my stand on personal standards into place whenever I then point out again that I had a double major in Philosophy and Religious Studies, and also a double minor in Legal Studies and Women's Studies... especially with having been called the king of incompletes because, as one of my Women's Studies professors stated to me about turning in one particular assignment "We know whatever you turn in is going to be great, and it doesn't have to be perfect. Just turn something in to us. Don't worry about having to do additional research or getting more data. Just turn in what you have." Sadly, I still couldn't do it, and even when I *did* turn in what I had, I was terribly disappointed in it.)
Those tangents aside, the main point being that I had determined that it was my goal to do the right thing in the world, even if it meant going against the will of God. And as such, it also meant that I would try to live my life doing the right thing at all times, with the consideration that "if God is in any way benevolent, then He will determine that I've lived my life doing my best to make the world a better place, or else God is a tyrant, and I will gladly go to Hell in protest to an unjust deity."
It almost seems arrogant whenever I tell it to others. But it was also a bad setup that I placed myself in. Because it was so global, so cosmic of a goal, that it requires every moment of every day to be made as if it's some sort of move on a grand chess board, with me on one side of the action and God on the other. It also set me up to have a very low opinion of myself every time I made a false move, failed in some way, or did something that was hurtful to others.
In this sense, I suppose it's only a matter of distance from that previous belief that has gotten me to a point that has come to start finally accepting myself and my value for what and who it is that I am, not as some sort of grand schemer who can best some fictional divine being at a cosmic game of morality. My own sense of worth comes from myself, not from what degree I'm able to come out ahead in the game and be *just that much* better. I can't pinpoint any moment where this has made less of a difference or impact upon me, but it's something recent, at the very least. And so it's only distance that I can explain it out as. I have to relate it to Ani Difranco here:
"I was locked, into being my mother's daughter. I was just eating bread and water, thinking 'nothing ever changes.' I was shocked, to see the mistakes of each generation will fade like a radio station if you drive out of range."
In the end, I'm finally starting to like myself a heck of a lot better. And I don't need to have anybody give me that value, or find it in providing something to others. Or even in finding the right thing to do, particularly at my own expense. I still do take a great deal of pride in being able to look at a situation and doing the right thing, but there is a different feeling to it now. First of all, I don't have to do it at the expense of my own self, and it doesn't have some lower value for doing the right thing just because I haven't sacrificed anything for it. Now, though, I know I have a choice in anything I do, and that I can consider my own well-being just as much as I am considering everyone else's, at the same time. It's a relief to know, and a great thing to hold onto, and I am glad for the opportunity now to love myself in a way that I never have been able to before...
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Cassandra
In a lot of my profiles, games, and such, I've taken on a screen name that has spoken highly of my desire to stand up for what is right, stand by my decisions, and stand against what may seem to be overwhelming opposition in the form of Orestes. The version, in order to fully clarify, that is told in Sartre's re-telling of the ancient Greek myth as stated in "The Flies."
Lately, I have felt more and more in touch with the myth of Cassandra. Cassandra was granted the gift of prophecy, but because she did not return love for Apollo, he twisted the gift into a curse. Thus she was given the gift of foresight, but without anybody ever believing her.
I am an extremely empathetic person in general, and I can see things several moves or steps in advance. The problem is that it doesn't do me any lick of good to see it. People need to go through their own processes, they need to learn each of their own lessons the hard way, and they need to do it all on their own, as help or guidance from somebody else just doesn't do much for anyone.
When the predictions are foretellings of doom, the "gift" becomes even more frustrating, because as much as people don't believe you despite the fact that you may have been right about something, I admit that I often HOPE that I am wrong. In those cases, it feels to me as if I'd rather have to eat crow than to witness the end result of a bad situation.
Recently, I just saw a piece of that very same situation, and I admit that I'm having a difficult time with my own feelings of powerlessness within the situation. It is incredibly difficult for me particularly, being able to see what somebody is going through, to love them deeply, and yet to know that you cannot do a single thing to either prevent them from the pain that they are going through, or to make it any easier to take the first step towards becoming a healthier person.
A while back, I had been accused of being excessively harsh with regard to my interaction with a particular person, somebody who I have loved very deeply. It had come to the point where it had impacted several of my friendships, and while I stood my ground, I had to wonder if perhaps I might actually be wrong about things. With a very recent phone call from one of those friends that confirmed what I had foreseen happening, I have to say that I take very little solace in knowing that I was right. What is the benefit? Where's the prize in it? That I still get to watch (albeit right now from a long distance) as somebody slowly destroys himself? To know the terrible pain that he is going through, knowing that there is absolutely nothing that I can do or say to make it any better?
As an activist particularly, it is even more difficult for me to be in this position. The whole point of activism for me, from the very beginning, was to NOT stand idly by while there is hope for a better tomorrow. And yet, any degree to which I will attempt to make the situation better would be potentially making the situation worse, with no hope of making it any better at all. It's almost as if it is some form of cosmic torture to have to be in this position. Wouldn't it be better to not know, so that I never have to think about it? Wouldn't I be better off if I was simply able to let go and not care? It's the caring, and the hoping, and the loving that make it all that much more difficult to wait for somebody to hit rock bottom before they're capable of working themselves up.
At the very least, I have this outlet. Hopefully it will take the edge off of my own psyche for a few days, perhaps even a couple of weeks. I hope. In the meantime, the only other thing I can say is that Matt, wherever you are, I love you and I hope that you start getting better soon...
Lately, I have felt more and more in touch with the myth of Cassandra. Cassandra was granted the gift of prophecy, but because she did not return love for Apollo, he twisted the gift into a curse. Thus she was given the gift of foresight, but without anybody ever believing her.
I am an extremely empathetic person in general, and I can see things several moves or steps in advance. The problem is that it doesn't do me any lick of good to see it. People need to go through their own processes, they need to learn each of their own lessons the hard way, and they need to do it all on their own, as help or guidance from somebody else just doesn't do much for anyone.
When the predictions are foretellings of doom, the "gift" becomes even more frustrating, because as much as people don't believe you despite the fact that you may have been right about something, I admit that I often HOPE that I am wrong. In those cases, it feels to me as if I'd rather have to eat crow than to witness the end result of a bad situation.
Recently, I just saw a piece of that very same situation, and I admit that I'm having a difficult time with my own feelings of powerlessness within the situation. It is incredibly difficult for me particularly, being able to see what somebody is going through, to love them deeply, and yet to know that you cannot do a single thing to either prevent them from the pain that they are going through, or to make it any easier to take the first step towards becoming a healthier person.
A while back, I had been accused of being excessively harsh with regard to my interaction with a particular person, somebody who I have loved very deeply. It had come to the point where it had impacted several of my friendships, and while I stood my ground, I had to wonder if perhaps I might actually be wrong about things. With a very recent phone call from one of those friends that confirmed what I had foreseen happening, I have to say that I take very little solace in knowing that I was right. What is the benefit? Where's the prize in it? That I still get to watch (albeit right now from a long distance) as somebody slowly destroys himself? To know the terrible pain that he is going through, knowing that there is absolutely nothing that I can do or say to make it any better?
As an activist particularly, it is even more difficult for me to be in this position. The whole point of activism for me, from the very beginning, was to NOT stand idly by while there is hope for a better tomorrow. And yet, any degree to which I will attempt to make the situation better would be potentially making the situation worse, with no hope of making it any better at all. It's almost as if it is some form of cosmic torture to have to be in this position. Wouldn't it be better to not know, so that I never have to think about it? Wouldn't I be better off if I was simply able to let go and not care? It's the caring, and the hoping, and the loving that make it all that much more difficult to wait for somebody to hit rock bottom before they're capable of working themselves up.
At the very least, I have this outlet. Hopefully it will take the edge off of my own psyche for a few days, perhaps even a couple of weeks. I hope. In the meantime, the only other thing I can say is that Matt, wherever you are, I love you and I hope that you start getting better soon...
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