Mawwiage...

After my last post, and realizing how strongly I came across with regard to the whole "Marriage is the WRONG FIGHT" thing, I think I need to dedicate a full post to my position on the entire Marriage thing and talk about it in full.

I think this is particularly because of the fact that I have a LOT of friends who had a vested interest in what was happening in CA, and that it is important to recognize that I'm not saying that what happened in all of those states was not important, that they shouldn't be hurt or upset about what happened, or that there has been such a large outcry from so many people in our country telling them/us that their relationships don't matter.

Here's the thing. With the end to sodomy, I feel like we had the chance to really sit down and strategize about where we wanted to go as a movement. And that we should have taken the precedent set in the establishment of privacy in the sodomy cases, that we should have focused on getting the government OUT of the business of marriage or of regulating relationships at all, in the first place.

The issues at hand are things like inheritance taxes that everybody other than married people have to pay, visitation and medical decision-making precedents, health and life insurance coverage, etc.

All of these things can be provided without needing to be connected to marriage. In fact, the reality that it is connected to marriage at the moment doesn't only leave out monogamous gay couples. It also leaves out polyamorous people (of which I identify), it leaves out families like my own that are parenting with more than 2 people even though there is only one primary monogamous couple within it, it leaves out adult people who are living with an elderly parent or grandparent, leaves out pairs or groups of elderly people who live together for mutual support and friendship (think the Golden Girls here, people!), and a ton of other people.

What we *could* have been doing in the past several years, instead of talking so much about how marriage was the key and that we wanted in, we COULD have been working towards getting the government OUT of marriage entirely. We COULD have been building coalitions with all of the other people above who have been left out of the marriage discussion, and adjoining our struggle for liberation with theirs, and with the betterment of not only the lives of a portion of our community, but to ALL of our community, and many people who otherwise would never have had any connection to us at all.

Instead, I've spent the last several years feeling like an outcast to my own community. Because every time we talk about the fight for marriage as if it's THE most important struggle in the movement, I hear a voice saying "you're a freak for not wanting monogamy, and you don't deserve to have the same rights as all of these couples." And yet, in the meantime, I had spent so many years feeling as if I'd given my life to the movement, and suddenly I was dedicating my life to a movement that considered me to be disposable.

So here we are now. Some states allow marriage, but many MANY others have constitutional amendments banning it. In all of those states, and in the ones that have not made either decision, what do we do? Where do we go from here?

This is where I believe we can finally start to work on the tasks that, in my opinion, we should have begun years ago when sodomy was finally struck down by the Supreme Court. Get the state out of the business of marriage. Set precedents that allow for people who are in intimate, loving relationships with each other to be able to visit and make medical decisions for one another, regardless of the type of relationship that they are in. Give us universal health coverage, so that no person is left without insurance, whether or not they are in a relationship with a partner who can provide it for them. Set a better precedent for dealing with inheritance and transfer of possessions.

We have a lot more work ahead of us to see the true differentiation between setting benefits for all people and only giving them based upon their relationship status. But it's the best and ultimate goal that we, as a movement, need to work toward. And in those states, like California, where people feel devastated and at a loss for what to do or where to go next, at least we can provide some direction. And in my opinion, it is sad that we had to go through the pain of having all of those couples needing to be told that their relationship doesn't matter by the state and by the majority of voters in their states, but I was not the one who chose the direction of the movement. I would argue that the people who decided that marriage was the real best fight owe all of those couples an apology, at least, for putting them through the pain and heartache. But even then, I don't believe that would help to heal the wounds that were dealt to them. Because in the meantime, their lives and relationships are still vulnerable. They still need their rights.

So let's not give up and give in to despair. Let's get out there and get them their rights. And get the rest of our communities their rights. Let's start networking and coalition-building. Let's focus on the core issues and needs that our community faces, and let's start fighting. And let's not give up until EVERYONE is covered by the same umbrella, and that EVERYONE is safe. We have a lot of work to do, and there isn't a moment to lose...