Unconditional

For a very long time, I've struggled with the concept of unconditional love, and whether it actually exists. I've gotta say, I'm really thinking "no," at this point. At the same time, isn't it a basic human need? Isn't one of the bases for human beings having the ability to interact with one another having the ability to recognize that they have a worth that is separate from their own moods or behaviors?

For all that anybody may say that I have going for me in terms of looks, intelligence, or genuine sense of care for others, I can't help but believe that it's all a farce in some way. And I can't help but fall back on that sense, if I am so valuable and so worthy of love, why is it that nobody has been able to find a means to love me?

I have to admit that I've really put a lot of my friendships to the test recently. And I feel more than a little bit guilty for the way that I pushed Kevin away. He seemed to be moving in that direction already, and I gave one big shove. At the same time, I gave Matt the excuse that I pushed him away, and he took the excuse, but all of everything I did was practically begging him to stick by me. Perhaps the better parts of me will still be able to find a way to forgive him for it, and maybe one day I will. But right now, I can't help but just feel angry.

As I've said before, I'm having trouble letting go and ceasing my curating of the museum of my own personal injuries and slights, and maybe that's the one place I still need to manage before I can get any better. But in the meantime, I can't help but see the pattern of most of my friendships and relationships as a series of people who may think I'm fun or interesting at first, before they know me, and then, once they get close enough, they see whatever it is of me that is this horrible thing, and they find some way to opt out.

In that sense, I do have to be thankful for the friendships I have, where people have stuck by me, despite the fact that I feel like I'm taking so much more than I've been giving back. The people who have seen me at my weakest and my shittiest moments, and who are still willing to be my friend. Not only that, but not venture into viewing or framing my friendship as a burden to be endured, either.

I suppose in times like this, when I'm sitting alone, and the worst of the nasty little nagging thoughts erupt from my psyche, that's what I need to focus on first. It's so easy to remind myself of Matt, and Kevin, and Ray and Steve, and all of the people who have failed me in some way, instead of focusing on Andy and Ben, and Faisal, and Dan, and Julie, who stick by me every time, see me at my most vulnerable, and somehow manage to find something within that mess that they take away as something more to love.

In that sense, I suppose I have the tools at my disposal, after all. It's just a matter of figuring out when to pull them out when I need them the most, and how to use them properly. I suppose that I never was very much good at using tools...