Cassandra

In a lot of my profiles, games, and such, I've taken on a screen name that has spoken highly of my desire to stand up for what is right, stand by my decisions, and stand against what may seem to be overwhelming opposition in the form of Orestes. The version, in order to fully clarify, that is told in Sartre's re-telling of the ancient Greek myth as stated in "The Flies."

Lately, I have felt more and more in touch with the myth of Cassandra. Cassandra was granted the gift of prophecy, but because she did not return love for Apollo, he twisted the gift into a curse. Thus she was given the gift of foresight, but without anybody ever believing her.

I am an extremely empathetic person in general, and I can see things several moves or steps in advance. The problem is that it doesn't do me any lick of good to see it. People need to go through their own processes, they need to learn each of their own lessons the hard way, and they need to do it all on their own, as help or guidance from somebody else just doesn't do much for anyone.

When the predictions are foretellings of doom, the "gift" becomes even more frustrating, because as much as people don't believe you despite the fact that you may have been right about something, I admit that I often HOPE that I am wrong. In those cases, it feels to me as if I'd rather have to eat crow than to witness the end result of a bad situation.

Recently, I just saw a piece of that very same situation, and I admit that I'm having a difficult time with my own feelings of powerlessness within the situation. It is incredibly difficult for me particularly, being able to see what somebody is going through, to love them deeply, and yet to know that you cannot do a single thing to either prevent them from the pain that they are going through, or to make it any easier to take the first step towards becoming a healthier person.

A while back, I had been accused of being excessively harsh with regard to my interaction with a particular person, somebody who I have loved very deeply. It had come to the point where it had impacted several of my friendships, and while I stood my ground, I had to wonder if perhaps I might actually be wrong about things. With a very recent phone call from one of those friends that confirmed what I had foreseen happening, I have to say that I take very little solace in knowing that I was right. What is the benefit? Where's the prize in it? That I still get to watch (albeit right now from a long distance) as somebody slowly destroys himself? To know the terrible pain that he is going through, knowing that there is absolutely nothing that I can do or say to make it any better?

As an activist particularly, it is even more difficult for me to be in this position. The whole point of activism for me, from the very beginning, was to NOT stand idly by while there is hope for a better tomorrow. And yet, any degree to which I will attempt to make the situation better would be potentially making the situation worse, with no hope of making it any better at all. It's almost as if it is some form of cosmic torture to have to be in this position. Wouldn't it be better to not know, so that I never have to think about it? Wouldn't I be better off if I was simply able to let go and not care? It's the caring, and the hoping, and the loving that make it all that much more difficult to wait for somebody to hit rock bottom before they're capable of working themselves up.

At the very least, I have this outlet. Hopefully it will take the edge off of my own psyche for a few days, perhaps even a couple of weeks. I hope. In the meantime, the only other thing I can say is that Matt, wherever you are, I love you and I hope that you start getting better soon...