Sex, Love and Friendship

For a very long time, I've thought that the words sex, love and friendship are WAY too general to be considered particularly helpful in many people's lives. Particularly more so within my own life, but whenever I feel as if I'm simply too far gone from the traditional bounds of relationships, friendships and sexuality, I'm reminded by every sitcom, romantic comedy, and drama that I watch, exactly why I'm not so different from everyone else in that sense after all.

For every romance that we see, there is confusion, a need to identify boundaries, to determine the true feelings that each person has for one another, and a series of possibilities. There is always the mystery of who the protagonist will "end up with" and what exactly will their final relationship be to the one(s) who were their other possibilities?

The fact is that love, romance, and sexuality are far too complicated to be able to fit into the mold that our culture has attempted to box them into. So why, then, do we continue to box ourselves in? Partially, I think of it as a sort of inertia. There were good reasons for having delineated separations between friendships and relationships due to issues such as disease, inheritance, etc. ages ago, which developed the familial structures that are centered around marriage with a singular exclusive partner, and because that has been the structure that has been in existence, diversion from this paradigm has been slow. Granted, there have been a great deal of changes, merely from the fact that we can consider that people no longer marry for political or economic reasons (at least not always), and that marriage is considered, at least in theory, to be based upon love.

There is another reason, I believe, as well. And that comes simply from my experience of the complexities that are involved with diverging from this cookie-cutter model existence. When one diverges from already-existing models, you are left without default options. Once everything becomes possible, then truly everything IS possible. In the minute that happens, more than ever, one must truly be in touch with themselves and their own feelings, and they need to be able to communicate those feelings to others, as well. It seems simple enough, and no matter how often I believe that I've achieved the requisite level of self-awareness, transparency, and communicativeness, I find more boxes and more shadows within myself.

I consider this. I am quite possibly one of the most sex-positive individuals that I know. I have moved well beyond the recognition that as much as we culturally view sex as something dangerous that needs to be controlled. And I have done more than my fair share of breaking down that stereotype and opening myself up to proving that sex is something that is positive, affirming, and full of potential. Sex, just like relationships, can take a multitude of forms and possibilities, and all that we are required to do is to be open to those possibilities.

But for all of the sex-positiveness that I so often exude, I have yet found multiple inconsistencies within myself. Small things that reflect a certain reservedness or timidity in the face of certain sexual encounters, or even potential sexual encounters. I will be the first to say that, while sex is certainly possible to be devoid of a great deal of emotional entanglements, as the vast number of one-night-stands can imply, the fact is that sex is still simultaneously an extremely powerful emotional tool.

It is this potential for emotion within sex that finds me more reluctant to open the door to sexual overtones within certain of my friendships. With one friend, for example, there had been a sexual tension between us for a very long time. However, from primarily my own choice, I had decided years ago that it was far too much of a risk to engage in a sexual relationship with that friend. That friendship has remained to this day one of my most bolstering friendships. It is a friendship where we understand one another, have the ability to talk for hours, days actually, without ever running out of things to talk about, and where we can emotionally rely upon one another. There is nothing that we cannot share with one another about our vulnerabilities, insecurities, or fears.

Except that it is false. There is one topic that still remains a bit of a smokescreen, and that is something that I only have discovered in the past few weeks. As both of us have re-entered "single" life within the past 6 months, and each of us has entered therapy, it has become highlighted for each of us that we have a bit more of a connection with one another than a standard friendship, and quite honestly that fact terrifies me. I cannot help but find it odd that it does frighten me as much as this, as well, because of the fact that I have been so open to so much else in my lifetime, and yet there is something about this single friendship which the potential of changing one of the basic dynamics of it fills me with a tremendous amount of anxiety.

At the same time, I am also meeting a number of new people. After ending my last relationship about 6 months ago, I found myself not only out of a relationship, but strongly lacking in my number of friendships, as well. And in meeting most new people, for once, I found that most people were interested in sex far more than they had any interest whatsoever in friendship. I can't help but laugh at myself for the fact, as my college days when everybody wanted to be my friend and tried to date my roommate, I had secretly begged for this conundrum. And the universe apparently answered my wish in a most scathing manner. Be careful what you wish for, and all that jazz.

Despite everything, however, I have made friends over the past few months, and some of those friends I have played with, others I haven't. One of those friendships was with somebody who had numerous times expressed an interest in moving to a sexual level, but I resisted. I had convinced myself that because of the issues that he had with his own self-image and sexuality, that he needed friends who would be his friends regardless, and not because he could provide them with something, namely sex. What I'd found, however, was that I was projecting heavily upon him. It was me who wanted the friendship without a sexual bargain attached, and while the friendship has taken on a sexual component since, it was a lesson that I have certainly learned.

The difficulty that has come up since then is that I have another similar friendship. It is with a couple where there is a clear mutual attraction, but which I have drawn a clear boundary with. Coming into this situation now, I recognize that part of the reason I have been so compelled to maintain this boundary was to have the ability to be certain that our friendship was out of a genuine desire to be friends, and to have the emotional security that I associate with my friendships. Recently, it has become more clear that there is a genuine sexual interest on all sides, as well, yet I still find a reluctance to step forward and engage due to some sense that the friendship may give way before a more sex-based relationship.

And last but not least, having re-entered the dating pool, I have met somebody who I have found that I really like a lot. Ironically, while still being the sex-positive person that I am, I had decided that I liked him so much on the first date that I didn't want to have sex with him right away. We've been talking regularly, have gone out one more time since, and there is a connection like electricity between us. And yet we still haven't taken that step towards sex. And the ironic thing about it, is that it is, for me at least, entirely a function of a sense that I really like him, and that I am hoping for some more long-term potential from the relationship.

The problem is not nearly as difficult as I have made it out to be, in reality. I can still consider myself sex-positive, and love sex and all of its possibilities, and yet maintain these conundrums. The fact is that sex IS a powerful force and tool. One-night-stands are able to work because of the context in which they occur. And yet, I have known people who have begun relationships through nothing other than a singular such encounter. Fuck-buddies, friends with benefits, and other such relational models still exist, and sex is a strong force within those friendships. Sex is bigger than many of us make it out to be, probably because we're all a little bit afraid of what that fact implies. But sex is simultaneously far more beautiful than any of our detractors would have us believe, and it does not need to be controlled and restricted at all costs.

Sex is nothing to fear, but it needs to be respected. It is like fire. It has a myriad of uses, its potential for use is nearly limitless, and it is truly a wondrous thing. But just like fire, we need to be mindful of where it is, and what exactly it is doing, or we may find that we can be burned by it, as well...